I was watching the "Blue Collar Comedy" for the umpteenth time the other night when it dawned me that there could be something that defines being a "Muleburger" just as Jeff Foxworthy defines being a "redneck." First of all, credit should be given where it's due for the slogan "Muleburger." One has to be careful in even using the term because nothing upsets a true "Muleburger" than seeing our county's name spelled "Muhlenburg!" Dagnabit it's "Erg," and don't forget the "H!"
As far as I can tell, credit for origination (at least commercially) of the slogan "Muleburger" goes to Larry Stone, "Ye olde Editore" of the Times-Argus (formerly Messenger-Times Argus). As most of you are aware, he penned a column in that newspaper (later made into a book) for many years and now his son, Mark, is still running it as "The Best of Muleburgers." It was ahead of it's time because it would qualify as a "blog" today even before computers were invented. Former County Clerk J. C. Noffsinger, who also owned the Dairy Maid (our old hangout) even introduced a burger at that eatery called "Muleburger." I often wonder how many "out of towners" thought it was actually made of mule meat.
Anyway, I thought it would be neat to make up a list of things that are unique to Muhlenbergers (Muleburgers), particularly in the "old days."
It would start with "You might be a Muleburger if......
- You'd miss your wife's funeral to go to a basketball game.
- Your idea of "foreplay" is "c'mon honey....get in the truck!"
- You think the most romantic place in the world is the old Morehead Cemetery.
- Your idea of a gourmet meal is a Corn Dog and Tater Tots.
- You purchased your wife's Gucci purse and Debeer's diamond broach at Luke's Flea Market.
- Your idea of "big name talent" performed on the roof of the Twilite Drive-In's concession stand.
- You could get from the four-way stop to the Rockport bridge in five minutes.
- You never knew there was a whole city a couple of miles past the "First & Last Chance."
- You were baptized in Crescent Pond one Sunday morning then "skinnydipped" there the next Friday night.
- You logged 100,000 miles on your car going from the Kentucky Grill, around the Dairy Maid, through downtown and back.
- You could "pass your test" at the Central City swimming pool.
- You spent at least two years in Hammond, Calumet City, Whiting or Chicago after leaving high school.
- You hitch-hiked to Bandy's Lake at least once.
- You flunked your driver's test because the car you were driving had "hollywood" mufflers.
- You had at least one "bootlegger" on your street.
- You didn't want to get drafted into the Army for two years so you joined the Air Force for four.
- You'd get two tickets for "reckless driving" in one night.
- Judge Campbell would let you make "payments" on traffic fines.
- You could drink a "Mr. Cola" after dumping an entire bag of salted peanuts into it.
- You'd "smash" your finger in a car door and your grandmother would treat it with "coal oil."
- You'd have a hamburger at the "Y" Cafe, find a fingernail in it, throw the fingernail away and eat the burger.
- You could fit nine people in a Volkswagen Beetle and drive it over "thrill hill" at 50 mph and not wreck.
- You could grip the wire of an electric fence and hold on to it while someone counted to ten.
- You could dive into Green River at the bluff, swim over and touch the sunken ferry on the other side and back - nonstop!
- You would die your hair "orange" whenever Hughes-Kirk played anybody in the district tournament.
- You'd drive down to the "Christmas Tree" restaurant in Graham to check out the girls.
- You own an abandoned Hornet's nest and it sets on top of the dresser in your room.
- You worked as a waitress or car hop and spent your tips in the restaurant's juke box as fast as you got them.
- You would visit the place you worked on your day off.
- You couldn't afford to go to Florida but it didn't matter...there was a beach at Lake Venus.
- You drove a car with the front bumper removed from it.
- You spent your twenty-first birthday in Mannington.
- It took you 30 minutes to drive from Central City to Greenville or vice-versa....and it was only eight miles.
- You never had sex at Devil's Lake because you spent all night "flashing your headlights" at other parkers so they'd know you were there!
- You never got invited to a meeting of the Sierra Club.
- You'd be sick in the morning on school days but miracuously you'd be OK by the time school was out.
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